Feeling Guilty
by TornadoMoose
Summary: "Accepting that she wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon again, she pulled away and started to climb out of bed, intending to head back down stairs to read for a while. But as she stirred, Deeks finally shifted and sighed beside her." Tagged to 8x10 ("Sirens").


**A/N: I know, I know… I missed my usual two-week deadline… and then the next… And I know because a few of you checked in on me in DM's. I swear, I'm alive and I'm fine, thanks for asking. But it's been a busy month for me. At least those of you on Instagram have had several BTS photos and spoilers to keep you entertained.**

 **But you don't want to read my sorry excuses, you want to read my story:**

 **So…If you didn't already hate Sullivan/Ferris, I'm about to give you another reason to despise him. This story is tagged to 8x10 ("Sirens").**

 **Rating: If you're new to my stories, and accidentally clicked your way into the M ratings, I mean it. This story contains very adult situations.**

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Deeks didn't stir when Kensi climbed under the covers with him. He lay twisted and sprawled out mostly on his back. With how much of the bed he was taking up, it wasn't hard for her to find a nook to cuddle up into. He shifted slightly, and Kensi thought she saw a smile on his peaceful features in the darkness of their bedroom. But otherwise he remained asleep.

This didn't surprise her. It was past midnight after all. Their separation had become a new norm for them. He'd be at work all day, and she often wasn't around when he finally came home. And if she was being honest, when they were together she wasn't really present, but instead lost in some distant train of thought.

She couldn't sleep much most nights, so half the time she barely tried. Instead she would stay downstairs and read, tinker with her woefully unused gear, watch bad TV, or even do some light therapy exercises. She eventually did drift off of course, either on the couch or after she returned to bed, but then he was up and gone before she woke.

This time, she really wanted to see him awake before he disappeared in the morning.

Something had happened today. Something that upset her. Several things, really. She had even gone off to the shooting range at work to practice, and to try and raise her spirits after the events of the afternoon. But her dismal performance with her left hand, and Hetty's insistence that she take more time to recover had only made her mood worse.

The day had started out poorly. Deeks, unable to cope with both of their mothers and free to leave, did so at his earliest opportunity that morning. Which left her alone with them, driving her quickly insane. Things started looking up when Sullivan, her friend from the hospital, showed up unexpectedly, but that didn't last very long.

His behavior to her in their brief friendship had always been borderline uncivil. But her competitive nature responded well to his teasing, and she had actually been grateful for his company at physical therapy. But this afternoon, it quickly became obvious to her that he had finally started hitting on her. She had ignored it, knowing he would leave her life forever after that day, but she couldn't shake her feeling of annoyance and even disappointment that someone she thought of as a friend would act this way.

It was after their third beer that he asked her out to dinner. Obviously, she declined, explaining that she was making dinner for Deeks and politely inviting him to stay. Thankfully, he made his excuses and started to leave. In the doorway, he tried one more time, leaning in for a kiss as she said goodbye. Out of practice though she was, Kensi was still a smooth enough operator to dodge his advances without confrontation, and sent him on his way.

She spent the rest of the afternoon stuck between annoyance and sympathy. She wondered with some guilt whether or not she had given him any signals that she might be interested; trying to remember just how many times she had referred to Deeks as her fiancé - despite the fact that she was still sans-engagement ring.

Reluctantly resolving to pity him, though unable to be at peace with that attitude, she had headed off to the Mission to take out her frustrations on the range.

Unwillingly reliving the day in her thoughts, she cuddled into Deeks even closer, nuzzling the smooth skin of his shoulder with her cheek and taking in his comforting scent. Pressed against him, she felt something stir inside of her. It had been a few weeks since they had last tried having sex. And though she knew that was on her, she was starting to get a little anxious.

As she watched his sleeping features from only a few inches away, she started to think instead of happier thoughts; of what she wished could happen next. She envisioned him waking, taking her in his arms, and pinning her body to the bed. She breathed deep as she thought about taking control from him, of tying him down to the headboard… maybe even cuffing him. And good lord, did she want to gag him… if only she could do so and keep his tongue and lips free.

Deeks snorted a little in his sleep, and she was brought back to the real world. These waking daydreams of hers were becoming a little more common the longer she kept cooped up. She'd had some strange and occasionally dramatic urges, and they were rarely as pleasant as the one she'd just experienced.

Accepting that she wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon again, she pulled away and started to climb out of bed, intending to head back down stairs to read for a while. But as she stirred, Deeks finally shifted and sighed beside her.

"Hey, baby. You alright?" he said to her sleepily.

"Yeah," she answered, turning back and laying down next to him again. "Just came back from the range at work. I went there to practice and try to get in a better mood…"

"But?"

"But… Hetty was there. She made me shoot with my left hand… Deeks…" she paused, trying to think of how to phrase it, "I could barely hit the paper, much less the bullseye."

"Baby, that's great!" he exclaimed, excitedly squeezing her hands.

Contradicting him, she cried "No, it's terrible!"

"No, Kens— A few weeks ago you could barely pick up a fork," Deeks said as he shifted again so he could face her properly. "Now you're pulling triggers and almost hitting the target. You'll get there! You'll see."

She sighed in response, unable to argue with his logic when he was being so sweetly supportive, as he always was.

"Why did you need to get in a better mood?" he asked when she didn't say anything further.

"I…" she started, trying to gather her thoughts and decide how she wanted to answer.

"Just… more of the same?" he offered helpfully.

"Yeah. And… you know, the moms," she added without much conviction, hoping he'd drop it.

"Ah yes," he agreed knowingly. "The moms."

Kensi thought about whether or not she should tell Deeks about how Sullivan had made a move on her. She wanted to be completely honest with him and not keep secrets. But she didn't want him to worry, or to be suspicious of any and all male friends of hers from the past or in the future. Just as she had come to the conclusion that she trusted him with this, he asked her something that forced her hand.

"Kens, I have to ask: Those half dozen beer bottles…" he started nervously. "Did you drink those all by yourself today?"

"No. Just three," she assured him. "After my run, Sullivan stopped by. He told me that he's been cleared for duty and is returning to his unit. He brought the beers by to celebrate, and to say goodbye."

"Oh. Good for him," Deeks replied somewhat stiffly. "I'm glad you got to see him before he left."

"I'm glad he's going."

"Oh?" he asked, cocking his head with genuine curiosity.

Kensi paused again before continuing. She wanted to make sure she didn't make too big a deal out of this. "He kept hitting on me today. Despite my _repeated_ rejections. It was getting old."

"Oh. Can't say I blame the guy," Deeks joked, smiling. "But that's bold; making a move on a woman in the house she shares with her fiancé."

" _Soon-to-be_ fiancé," she reminded him. "And I booted him out of the house."

"Yeah?" he asked, chuckling. "Kicked him out with his own leg, did you? Ow!" he yelped as she pinched him.

Chastising him, she urged him, "Be nice."

"Speaking of legs," he started, abruptly changing the subject. "How's that hip doing after your run today?" he asked, as his hand caressed her right thigh.

"Fine. Or at least, better. Still catches, and aches when I stretch," she admitted. "But I don't think it's any more of a hinderance than Callen's trick shoulder or Sam's bad knee… Or your lame sense of humor."

"You're probably right," he agreed, chuckling as he leaned in closer. "But I'm not trying to seduce Callen or Sam."

"Hmmm hm. And you're trying to seduce me now?" she asked, playing along and arching into his touch.

In a low, gravely voice, he continued, "I'm thinking about it. But only if you want me to. You know, to reward you for fending off the advances of a snarky jarhead."

"To reward _me_?" she replied incredulously. "You sure it's not about some primal urge of yours to stake your claim?"

Gently, he rolled her to her back and shifted until his torso covered hers. Looking down at her, he smirked.

"I would never dare to use those words, but yeah," he answered seriously. "I'm all yours, Kens. And you're mine."

"All mine," she agreed, accepting the soft kiss he finally dropped on her lips.

"If you're up for it," he whispered against her cheek, "I can show you just how much I belong to you."

"I think I can handle that," she told him, smiling broadly.

"And before you know it, when that leg doesn't bother you, we can work our way back up to the master level moves we'd perfected before," he promised, his hands starting to get to work on the sleep clothes she was still wearing.

Humming, she told him, "I can't wait. For that matter, feel free to hurry up and get on with it now."

"So impatient."

"Consider it a compliment."

"More like a challenge to take my time," he teased.

"Don't you have to get up for work in the morning?" she asked, nibbling at the corner of his lips with hers.

"That's what coffee is for," he retorted.

"Touché," she purred before giving in entirely to his greedy kisses and melting under his touch.

Deeks did indeed seem intent on taking his time. His caresses were slow, languid, and deliberate. In long, drawn out motions that allowed his fingers to trace along as much of her skin as possible, he finished peeling off her clothes and his.

With his boxers gone, Kensi reached between them to tug at his thick cock, just barely starting to puff up expectantly.

"Mmmhh," he sighed. Looking down, he encouraged her, "Your left hand? See? It has gotten bett— Tss!"

Deeks hissed as she squeezed a little harder, firmly rubbing her thumb in slow circles around the head of his dick. She kissed him greedily to stop his talking, and moaned when his own hands started to wander to the more sensitive parts of her body.

She broke their kiss to look down at what her hand was doing and focused more intently on his ever growing cock. But his gaze stayed on her face— on those lips that had just abandoned his. He cupped her chin with one of his hands and tilted her head back towards him. She looked up in time to see his face, mouth agape and eyes completely in awe of her, before his insatiable lips captured hers again in a desperate kiss.

The fingers of his wandering hand reached their target, and curled up against the bud of nerves hidden between her legs. She completely lost the concentration she was putting into the dexterity of her left hand as her whole body squirmed in response to his touch.

He played her with his fingers to a steady beat, despite how erratic her movements had grown. She whined, and panted, and barely a few minutes after their clothes came off, she found herself teetering on the edge of a climax. It was too soon, she knew. She wanted to hold off— to save this high for when he could be inside of her properly. But there was nothing she could do but surrender to it, and let herself get caught up in the fluttering sensations.

Deeks pulled his hand away and grinned against her cheek as she breathed heavily, slowly coming down.

"Feel better?" he asked.

"Uh-huh," she answered, from behind shuttered eye lids.

"Sleepy now?"

Her eyes snapped open as she declared, "Not even a little bit!"

"Good!" he exclaimed as he shifted over her body. Planting an elbow on each side of her torso, he struggled not to collapse on her as she forcefully pulled his face to hers by the hair on the back of his head.

Kensi kissed him deeply, grazing her teeth on his lips as they devoured each other.

Shifting beneath him, she found it easiest to cradle his hips between her long legs if she pulled her knees up and wrapped her ankles behind his back. She could feel him there; his hard length pressing against her thigh. Her hips swayed gently of their own accord, impatient to move in harmony with his.

Deeks clearly noticed this, as he moaned and put a hand on her waist to still her. He raised his own hips and pressed his knees into the mattress below her butt, helping her keep her legs up as he moved into position.

Kensi bit her lower lip in anticipation. The still swollen lips of her pussy were plenty wet, and he spread her moisture on the tip of his cock as he nestled it into the right place. Slowly he started to push in. But her body, ready and anxious as it was, resisted him. Deeks groaned in earnest, the pleasure he felt at her tightness evident on his strained features. He pushed a little harder until her pussy finally gave way and she took his entire length all the way in.

It was Kensi's turn to whimper and moan. She dug her nails into his back and cried out so loudly, that Deeks paused to look at her with questioning concern.

"Keep going!" she urged him in a harsh whisper as she held his body to hers with her arms and legs.

He did. Slowly, and gently, he shifted his hips back and forth, causing her whole body to sway with his. Within her, he was barely moving; just enough to keep that sweet friction kindled as he remained buried to the hilt.

For a few heavenly minutes they kept up this slow burn. Her breasts were flattened against his chest, and her back sunk into her soft pillows as the comforting weight of his body kept her pinned down. Their lips barely parted, and when they did it was so one could caress the other's neck or cheek or ear, while the other hummed and hissed in satisfaction.

Deeks had slowly been picking up the pace, and the way his hips bumped into hers caused the tiniest of sharp pains in her leg. Not enough that she'd complain about it in normal circumstances. But she didn't want to feel anything but pleasure from him right now.

With her hands on the smooth muscles of his chest and shoulders to guide him, Kensi shifted out from beneath him, moaning as his dick slipped out. She rolled over to her left side, and pulled her right knee up to her chest. Deeks melded to her form behind her, pressing his chest against her back. With one hand, he guided his cock between her thighs until he slid home again. They moaned in unison this time, and Deeks bit down lightly on her shoulder. Kensi could feel how she was squeezing him, and could only imagine how tight she felt to him in this restricted position.

Still, he had grown restless, and was finally starting to move in and out deliberately, and with a little more speed. Kensi pushed her back against him, rolling slightly to try and open her legs as much as she could. As she shifted, he snaked an arm beneath her waist and cupped one of her breasts in the palm of his hand.

His other hand joined hers, which had journeyed between her legs to rest a few inches above where he slid in and out of her to a steady rhythm. But he misunderstood what her hand was doing there. Kensi was using her fingers to cover her clit, trying to protect it from further stimulation as it was still so raw and sensitive.

So when Deeks pressed down on it with a single finger, she practically writhed away from him— both his fingers and his cock— as the jolt of electrifying pleasure coursed through her. He didn't seem to notice. He just kept moving with her as he thrust into her again and again, spooning her from behind.

The muscles in her leg were starting to cramp, but there was nothing she could do about it. Not while the man she loved held her so tightly in his arms. Not while the fluttering of her inner muscles gripped his cock as he continued to move within her. And certainly not while he hissed her name with such reverence as he nibbled the lobe of her ear with his lips.

He pushed into her a few more times with jerky motions before his grip on her tightened. She could feel his whole body quake as he tried to keep himself buried as deep as he could. Despite the sensations that consumed her, she could still feel him throbbing against her inner walls as his seed joined the results of her own release.

Then, he was still… save for his deep breaths and the pounding of his heart against her back. As his body— still wrapped around hers— relaxed, she could feel the tension slip out of her own muscles. She stretched out to drive away the lingering ache in her leg, and nestled back against him as she did so.

"I love you," Deeks whispered against the back of her neck, giving her a gentle, reassuring squeeze as he did so.

"And I love you," she replied automatically, tracing her fingers along the back of his hands and forearms.

She swore she could feel him smile behind her as he kissed her neck one last time before rapidly drifting off to sleep. But Kensi remained awake, her restless mind still racing.

It occurred to her, not for the first time, that she really should try to be with him more. But the depression she'd developed since the helicopter crash was a hard to explain thing. Sometimes, she didn't even know where she went when her mind drifted away during her quiet moments. So she kept active, but it only helped so much. And despite his assurances to the contrary, Kensi did not want Deeks to see her in her worst moments.

For the millionth time, she tried to push these dark thoughts from her mind as her psychologist had taught her to do. Instead, she focused on the here and now; on Deeks' gentle breathing behind her, on the pale slivers of light that came in through the crack in the curtains, on the faint smell of flowery detergent from her sheets mixed with the unmistakable aroma of sweat and sex… she would have to wash these sheets.

Despite her contentedness, it was still another hour of thoughts like these before she too, finally found rest. She still had a long way to go.

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 **A/N: As usual, I projected my own experiences with traumatic injury into this… but it seems to fit with what the characters went through. Sorry again for taking so long with this. Maybe I can get caught up on work and back to my usual two week schedule.**


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